Well it is official, I’m moving out of NY. I wish I could’ve blogged more but packin ur life in 12 days so it can fit in a Camry, is exhausting and time consuming. This is what I was talking about when I started this blog, life interrupting my flow. I had plans this month. I was going to go to some great readings and lectures…EPIC FAIL! It has just been one thing after the other and I have not been able to focus for 5 min to get my thoughts together let alone write. So I had to recognize that maybe I’m not supposed to be here. There is no appeal living in a place that is stressing you out. The final straw being my subletter’s bombshell and conveniently last minute, he’s getting evicted. With that, I just threw my hands up and I think I started speaking in tongues. Wait…no, I was cursing him out. I get tongues and cursing confused sometimes.
It’s funny, I’ve been holding on to this idealistic NYC life THAT I HAVE YET TO EXPERIENCE! When I lived in the Dirty Dairy aka Wisconsin, I had a job that paid enough for me to pay my bills and be comfortable, that’s all I want. I haven’t had that since I’ve been here. (Cue Inner City Blues)
One thing that might be a light at the end of the tunnel is, I finished a piece I’d been struggling with for 3 mos. I kept editing it and it didn’t sound right, the rhythm of it was off. The other day I was in a bad way. I mean tears for like 4 hrs, so I went to music. Music is a healing power, it really is. Khari Lemuel (wait…am I allowed to give shout outs on here? Or is this a name drop? I dunno. Whatever.)Anyway, Khari Lemuel is this amazing singer/musician/writer/etc out of Chicago. I should mention Chicago is where I plan to move next. So, I’m listening to him on Youtube and I catch this one video of him, a poet by the name of Harold Green, a singer by the name of Charisma, and a piano player by the name of Marcus Sims having this cipher. It was music and poetry married in this piece that shut my mouth. It literally drew me out of my funk and the poetry was like an a-ha moment. This is the rhythm, this is that sound I was looking for with my piece. I got out my poem and re-worked it, read it out loud and re-worked it some more. YES! I was able to find something that was missing all this time I’ve been trying to write. My voice.
When exactly I started to sound different, I’m not really sure but maybe it’s the release of this vice grip I’ve had on this city that’s allowing me to get back to me. And NY isn’t me. I’m not saying I will find what I want in Chicago, I might be a nomad, not sure yet. But, what I do know is that I’ve definitely learned a lot about people, my relationships with people and telling the real from facade. I can’t pretend to be what I’m not and this place is not for me right now. I’m learning to be ok with leaving it behind. I tried my best and I can say I survived it. Right now, I’m hoping for good things, progress and change. Yep, that’s all I want. So, the journey continues…