If there were a cookbook for breakups and makeups, it would be a mixtape.
A series of sweet and sour sounds to fill the hungry ears, starved of the sweet nothings you really felt were something. And they were something.
This is like the Happy Meal girl toy version.
This tour through the drive thru, I’m out of boy toys so you get the prize with the pink plastic skirt. We’ve got Dora, Strawberry Shortcake, or Barbie. If you needed Spongebob or a green tank, please come back next time. Sorry about that. I’m a very gendered expert.
Or gentlemen, you can suck it up and think feminine for a spell.
I don’t know you or your heartbreak. I don’t know where you came from, nor that horse that you rode here on, nor how or when your carriage broke down. Blog posts are cheap. But what I can hand you is cheap, hot and fresh. That’s not bad.
It’s been a bone or stone’s age since I had to stitch my bloody self back up from wounds of the crags of Scylla and so on. It’s been steady sailing for some time and I can see the horizon. Trust me.
But then, at a distance all things look clear, hypothetical, and etched in pencil. Mapped.
I know the maps of heartbreak. My mapmaking for heartbreak makes the world look flat. Maybe because I’m afraid of falling off. Trust the narrator. We’ll talk about the round whirling world on paper.
I like to call myself Air Traffic Control. That’s my sexy stage name.
Control Tower to Broken Hearted: You’re halfway over the ocean. If necessary, you can make an emergency landing in Iceland.
So here’s how it goes…
I know you thought for some time it was you, Honey. You thought that buying a new Swiffer or repapering the hallway would pull you two back to the middle of the spectrum. It’s a fulll spectrum of catastrophes, this love business. And you held on to the steering wheel like a demolition driver on ice during brake failures and engine fires.
Track #1: It wasn’t you.
That man or woman was not your home. You could make a home in a cardboard box. Think turtle, think crab, think Bedouin. Boots. Walking, Nancy Sinatra. Are you with me so far?
This thing that hurts like hell is the best thing that ever happened to you.
It’s a fearful flight or fever this business of making and breaking love.
Wake up before dawn. It gives the satisfying illusion that you are pulling the sun’s ass out of bed. Very empowering. Wake up earlier than God. Wake up at zero o’clock if you can.
The secret ingredient is water.
There’s a cure for everything. It’s usually water. And time. For anything. At any time.
There’s no magical ingredient.
There’s no special sauce.
There’s catsup. So catch up.
Are you still with me?
There’s a recipe, Honey. But it’s not to eat.
Liquor makes your liver die quicker.
Chocolate makes you chunkier and grumpier.
Cigarettes make you stinkier.
Drugs make you creakier.
You may as well turn on the radio.
You may as well get up out of your rocking chair and dance.
Whenever you feel lonely, just feel lonely. That’s all you have to do. And when you miss him or her, just miss him or her. That’s all you have to do. As easy as rowing a boat. Just row.
You might not be ready for something heavy for a long time. That’s okay. Just keep your womankind nearby. And don’t let them go. Don’t trade them for any lover, ever.
You’ll wonder what love’s got to do with it for a while.
That’s okay. Just keep your center and your cool. Get Zenny with it.
When you come out on the other side of this tunnel, you’ll believe in some new things. Believe me, it will feel good to believe in some new things.
Eventually, you’re going to have to believe in life after love again.
And then one day you will feel and look fine.
And one day you will wake up and feel fine.
Just when you think you are finest on your own, someone will come along so fine you’ll want to know about her or him.
What is going on with that? You had better figure out how to get to know that person.
That’s how it begins and ends and begins again. That’s the Breakup Makeup MixTape.
But this is old school advice. There’s no auto-repeat or shuffle. You’ll just have to flip the cassette, rewind, and play again.